Feeding on Dreams by Ariel Dorfman

Author:Ariel Dorfman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Mariner Books

Fragment from the Diary of My Return to Chile in 1990

AUGUST 28

Today I received a letter from Eric Gerzon.

We had not known of his existence, had never set foot in Amsterdam, that failed saint's day party of Angélica's in September of 1973 when death had come calling for so many of our brothers and sisters, and yet he is now as much a brother, perhaps even more so, than the friends I have here in Chile, that's what I need to admit. Because death had also stalked us abroad, cast us into a chasm of solitude and grief, shown me the worst face in the mirror, shattered everything I believed in, brought me to the brink of drowning, and in that dark night of the soul, Eric had been there, caring for us with a love as unconditional as a mother's, with the sort of infinite eyes and soft hands and benevolence that we needed more than any daily bread.

And now he is in Holland and he writes to tell me he is planning a trip to visit us in Santiago soon and will stay with us here at Zapiola and in the midst of my jubilation, my many hallelujahs that brought Angélica running to hear the good news, something strange twists inside me, a reversal of time, a dislocation of space. I am briefly returned to those moments abroad when I would receive letters from Chile and examine the flimsy envelope in disbelief, turn it over and over, try to extract all the life for which those insufficient words must compensate. As I read Eric's message from Amsterdam, I remember the hours in exile deciphering between the lines, excavating for implications that may not be there, construing what is inexorably left out, the glory of gossip, the flow we are missing.

And so it starts all over again, the distance. I am in Chile and Eric is way over there, on the other side of the world, eight days separate me from this man whom I love as much as I love Queno or Cacho or Susana or Pepe, this gentle soul who has helped me to survive and come back to this land where I miss him, where I will soon greet him in our house as he received us into his heart. Max has also announced a possible visit, and maybe they will all come, Ankie and Deena and Maartje, Pat and Mark and John, and Jackson has told us that he's coming for the Amnesty concert in October. I hope they all come, from Paris and Los Angeles, from Amsterdam and Washington and New York, one by one and all together, so we can give back to them the love they gave so openly, never expecting anything but our joy and our return to Chile.

Jubilation, yes, hallelujah, I await that dawn of their visit.

But there will never again be a day in my life when all my friends from Chile and from abroad are together, when the

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